


Does Not Compute

by Staalkers (starttheshow)



Series: Strange Love [1]
Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-20
Updated: 2012-05-20
Packaged: 2017-11-05 17:39:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/409183
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starttheshow/pseuds/Staalkers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Patrick Kane's a douche at the ASG and ends up on a date with Sidney Crosby.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Does Not Compute

Patrick sighs and frowns into his drink. He is currently sitting in a booth at the back of some club, alone, staring out into the writhing mass of bodies covering the dance floor, and sulking silently to himself. Across the club, over at the bar, Johnny has his tongue shoved down some brunette's throat; he's obviously enjoying himself and Kaner is only mildly annoyed by this, he's not that petty, even though it is kind of unfair that Johnny's getting lucky when nothing has interested Pat yet.

ASG weekend has just started and Patrick is already having a shitty time. His team's good and all - he's on it, so of course they're going to beast on everyone, Crosby might also help just a little- but Patrick knows that if doesn't act quickly, the whole thing is going to be boring as fuck. So tonight, he is going to get wasted and spice things up a bit.

Kaner gets up from the booth and fights his way through the crowd over to Tazer.

"Finally decided to have some fun tonight?" Johnny asks with a grin after detaching his face from the brunette.

"Fuck yeah," Kaner replies and orders himself about five drinks. Kaner is going to have fun and Kaner is going to enjoy his ASG weekend, and if can't find any hot chicks he will fucking make some.

 

[][][]

 

Five hours later, it's one in the morning, and to say Kaner is grossly drunk is a fucking understatement.

"Tazer, Tazer, guess what," Patrick yells into his friend's ear.

"What, Pat?" Johnny sighs back, following the other, overly intoxicated man back to their hotel room. He was supposed to have fun tonight, not babysit Kaner. Asshole.

"You are a beautiful man. If you were a girl I would totally fuck you, so fucking hard, you do not know how hard I would fuck you, believe me man, it would be so hard, I'm super good at fucking, amazing, wanna find out?"

"Fuck no Pat, just please shut the fuck up." Johnny does his best not to strangle Pat. He’s pretty sure he's friends with that guy for some reason, and he’s pretty sure that he hear some where that friends don’t strangle friends.

He pushes the button for the elevator and wills it to hurry the fuck up. This is definitely the slowest elevator Johnny has ever encountered. There's a ding and the doors slide open. Johnny steps in and pulls Pat in after him. He presses the button for their floor, the tenth floor, fuck his life, and ties to calm himself. Standing in a confined space with Kaner for the like twenty fucking minutes it takes to get to their fucking floor shouldn’t be that bad.

Fucking Kaner. He's has decided to tangle his fingers into Johnny's hair and smush their cheeks together. Kaner is so fucking gay some times, not that Johnny has a problem with that, he just wishes it was with someone else.

"I love you man," the blonde yells drunkenly and Johnny really should have drunk more. The elevator stops, on the fourth floor, not theirs, and the doors slide open to let the unsuspecting Sidney Crosby and Evgeni Malkin join in on the highly uncomfortable, for Johnny at least, situation.

"Um..." Sidney starts and bites his lip. "We'll wait." Malkin nods in agreement.

"Nothing's happening, get in," Johnny says sternly, like fuck he's going to let anyone think something is going on between him and Kaner, a bit too late for that, but still. He doesn't want to make it any worst, and besides, fuck them for thinking that, Johnny is way out of Kaner's fucking league.

Sidney and Malkin enter cautiously and huddle into the corner farthest away from the two 'love birds'.

Geno tries to play it cool. He stands facing front, eyes locked onto the elevator doors, never looking at Patrick and Johnny. But Sidney, he can’t do that, he has to look. Sidney stares and continues biting his lip, face contorted in his obvious discomfort.

Kaner can’t resist. He just has to fuck with the guy, at least a little bit. Its his fault any way for being so fucking weird and awkward. So Pat peels himself off of Johnny and hops the short distance to Sidney.

“Hey there, good lookin’,” Kaner says as sleazily and creepily as he can into Sidney’s ear. He wraps his arms around Sid and nuzzles his face into the crook of the other man’s neck. Patrick feels Sidney tense up, and the thought of Crosby having a full on melt down just from some little touching, gets Kaner even more excited. Messing with Sid’s going to be fun...

“Kaner,” Johnny says in a warning voice.

Unless Tazer ruins it, fuck that guy. Patrick tightens his grasp on Sidney and nips at his ear. Sid lets out the most stupidest little squeak and Geno grabs Pat’s shoulder and gives a disapproving frown.

Kaner chuckles. “Chill-lax guys,” he says. “I’m just trying to have a moment with Sid. We need to do a little bondin’, we are going to be teammates and all.”

“That not bonding,” Geno says gruffly and squeezes Pat’s shoulder even harder.

“Quit being an asshole Kaner. Just leave him the fuck alone.”

Why does Tazer always have to be so fucking serious? Maybe he wouldn’t always look so fucking constipated if he would lighten up once in awhile. Patrick should really teach that guy how to have some fucking fun.

“Fine guys, what the fuck ever.” Pat lets go of Sidney and slouches over to Tazer. He stands there, arms folded and pouts until the elevator stops on Sidney’s and Geno’s floor. They make to leave, but once again Patrick just can’t help himself. Kaner uses his lightning fast reflexes to grab Sidney’s wrist before he can get off and crashes their mouths together into a kiss that’s all teeth and is in no way any good.

“Bye teamie,” Pat says and shoves Sid out the elevator. He then pounds the door close button before Geno can get back on and do something about it. That guy’s kind of scary when it comes to Sidney. The elevator continues and Patrick leans back against the wall with a sigh. He wants waffles for breakfast.

 

[][][]

 

The next morning Geno gives Kaner a stern talking to.

Patrick was minding his own fucking business, laying in his bed, enjoying that warm, liquid place between sleep and consciousness when he hears low voices, the shuffling of feet, and then feels the corner of his bed sink.

Kaner flips over onto his back and props himself up on his elbows to see just who decided to come visit him this fine morning. Glaring at him is a very troubled looking Russian.

“Why you tease Sidney?” Geno demands.

“I didn’t tease him,” Kaner quickly denies. His heart starts beating just a bit faster. And he is definitely not scared, but still, where the fuck is Tazer? Shitty Captain, shittier friend.

“Yes you did. I tired of everyone making fun Sid. He great man, no deserve to be mocked.”

“I totally agree with you, Geno.” Pat puts his hand reassuringly on Malkin’s shoulder and looks him in the eye. He really doesn’t want to get his face beaten in this morning.

“Yes?”

Malkin gives him a quizzical look and moves to sit cross legged in front of Kaner. This hotel has huge beds. Eager to appease the much larger man, Patrick continues.

“Yeah, I really mean it, man. Sid’s great. He’s funny and he’s nice. He’s amazing at hockey and has the best smile and I was, am, really honored to be on the same team as him this weekend.”

Geno smiles. “Is true,” he says. "Sid have wonderful smile, cure cancer.”

“Yeah,” Kaner says relieved. He really did not want to fight Malkin at seven in the fucking morning, naked. He should really start sleeping with clothes on if more shit like this is going to happen.

“But one thing still upset me.” Fuck. ”Why you kiss Sid? It's inappropriate.”

“Well I was, I’m sorry, I was, um, really drunk. You know how it is. I couldn’t control myself. Don’t tell me you’ve never drunkenly kissed Crosby.”

“No.”

Fuck.

“No one ever kiss Sidney.”

Fuuuck.

“You steal first kiss.”

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck, Kaner is so dead.

“I’m sorry?”

Malkin shakes his head.

“Sorry no good enough. You taint Sid. And all because you drunk."

“It wasn’t just because I was drunk!” Okay, Patrick’s starting to feel bad. Crosby’s a total virgin and he took advantage of him. Somehow the idea that he ‘tainted’ Crosby just because he was drunk makes the whole thing seem worst.

“It not just because you drunk?” Malkin asks in a disbelieving voice. ”Why then?”

“I don’t know, I just got a lot of feelings. You know how it is.”

“You have feelings.”

“Yeah.”

“For Sidney.”

“Sure man.”

“Hmmmm... Now I understand. You kiss because you love Sidney Crosby.” Geno smiles, nodding his head and crossing his arms.

“No!”

Geno puts up a hand to silence Patrick and continues.

“Yes, Yes. Now I see. Make sense. Sidney great and you, you. Of course. It start as crush, maybe Sid smile at you and make heart flutter. Then you watch Sid play, you amazed by talent and falls into love. Yes, have seen in those Lifetime movies many times.”

“No, that’s not true,” Kaner says frantically. He has fucked up so fucking bad and has no fucking clue how to get out of this fucking shit, fuck why isn’t Johnny here?

Geno clucks his tongue.

“No, is true,” he says. ”You said have feelings for Sid, I hear.”

“Oh God.” Patrick says and buries his face into his hands.

“Normally I disapprove. You not quite in, what you say, Sid’s league. Yes. But you take first kiss, so I give permission to pursue and makes better. You will make better.”

 

[][][]

 

After Geno leaves, Patrick gets up and begins to pace. Kaner’s pretty sure he has fucked up completely this time. If Crosby doesn’t like him, Malkin will break his face. If Crosby does like him, then he’s stuck with motherfucking Sidney Crosby which would be like dating a potato if potatoes could even be that goddamn awkward. Either way he’s fucked. The only way out of this would be to fake his own death or tell Crosby he has herpes, Crosby probably wouldn’t want to be with a guy who has herpes. But Crosby probably wouldn’t keep it a secret and Kaner would probably then have to fake his own death if everyone thought he has the herps; they probably already think that, but he still doesn't need Sidney confirming it. Kaner is doing this, pacing and thinking, for about an hour when Tazer decides to show his face again.

“Where the fuck were you man?” Patrick yells, furious. Johnny’s supposed to be his best friend, he’s supposed to have Kaner’s fucking back. Johnny’s eyes narrow.

“Dude, first of all, I’m not about to fight an angry Russian for you because you were being an asshole, and secondly, put some fucking clothes on,” Johnny snaps back and flops down on his bed.

Fuck Johnny, if Patrick doesn’t want to wear clothes he’s not going to wear any motherfucking clothes. So instead he goes to stand next to Tazer's bed, right next to his head and puts his junk’s right in Johnny's face. Johnny turns his head to see what Patrick's doing. His face contorts in horror and he reflexively punches Kaner in the crouch.

“Gaahhh!” Kaner yelps and doubles over on the floor.

“Oh my god, I just touched your fucking dick,” Tazer yells and runs to the bathroom to was his hands. After about twenty minutes of hand sanitization, Tazer returns to see Pat still on the ground. He walks over to his douche of a best friend and kicks him in the side.

“If you ever do that again, I will fuck you up.”

Patrick whimpers in reply and crawls over to his bed. He pulls himself on and lies there with his eyes closed.

“Malkin thinks I’m in love with Crosby,” Kaner eventually forces out. He hears a choking sound and turns to look at Johnny. His face is red and has been taken over by a pained expression.

“Dude...” Is all Tazer can say before he burst out laughing. Its not even that funny, but this motherfucker is literally ROFL-ing. Tazer needs a better sense of humor.

“Shut up,” Patrick says. He gets up and finally puts on some clothes. Johnny is still laughing his ass off as Kaner leaves, he needs some motherfucking waffles.

On his way to the elevator, Patrick wishes he was back with Tazer’s stupid self when he runs into Crosby.

“Hey,” Crosby says awkwardly, shifting back and forth. For some reason Crosby refuses to look at Patrick like a normal person. Instead, he stares at the floor and occasionally his eyes dart up to look at his face, but not really his face, its like just his chin.

“Yeah, hey,” Kaner returns. Crosby doesn’t say anything and they continue to stand there, awkwardly for a few moments and Pat is tired of Crosby’s bullshit. Does he not understand that Kaner needs to go get him some god damn waffles?

“Goodbye,” Kaner says and flips his hand in a half-hearted wave, restarting his quest for breakfast.

“Wait,” Crosby says and grabs Kaner’s wrist, hard, and it fucking hurts, goddamn how is Crosby so strong? Pat’s going to have a bruise.

“What Crosby?” Patrick says impatiently. He tries to take his wrist back, but Crosby doesn’t let go.

“Sid,” he says and blushes.

“Okay, Sid, is there a reason you are crushing my wrist?”

Crosby doesn’t let go. Turns out Malkin isn't the only one having trouble understanding English.

“Geno said you had something to say to me.”

“Nope,” Kaner tries, it's totally worth a shot. Problem solved?

“Okay,” Crosby frowns and leaves. Success! Waffle time bitches.

Patrick ends up at a Denny’s. He’s sitting in a booth, about to dig into his long awaited waffles when he is once again visited by a very unhappy Russian.

“Why you no ask Sid out?” Malkin demands. He has that look on his face that Kaner’s mom always gets when she’s disappointed in him. Patrick is in no way excited for this conversation.

“Well, I don’t know.” Patrick shoves a waffle down his throat and avoids all eye contact with his interrogator. This is kind of ruining his breakfast.

“You lie to me? No like Sid?”

“No!” Kaner’s kind of more afraid of what Malkin could do to him than dating Crosby, or should he say, Sid.

“Why then?”

“I was nervous?”

Malkin’s look of anger melts into one of sympathy and he pats Kaner on the head. Asshole, who the fuck does he think he is?

“Yes, yes, should have known. You no know what to do and not want ruin once in life time opportunity with Sid. You scared. But I here now, and I help. Just ask Sid out and make sure not to be self. Normally say, ‘just be self,’ but in your case, is not good advice.”

 

[][][]

 

Later that day they do the skills competitions. Its going good for Kaner except the fact that every chance he gets, Crosby is standing next to him, flashing Kaner these expecting looks that just remind him how fucked his life is. It also makes him really nervous which causes Kaner to fail at everything. He is tripping over other players, the ice, air, and his own feet. And he lands on his face every fucking time. After one particularly hard and fail full of a fall, Kaner skates over to the boards and props himself there as he tries to get himself in order. Crosby skates over and Kaner turns to look at him and gets a kick in the shin.

“Stop sucking, you can do better,” Crosby says, stares, and then leaves.

Kaner wonders if Crosby was trying to comfort him or something. It was really weird, and fuck that guy for kicking him, that shit hurt. At this point, Kaner really wishes that he had never met Sidney Crosby and wishes to never ever have to deal with him again, but unfortunately he catches a glimpse of Malkin glaring at him and remembers that nothing ever goes his way. So Kaner waits until Sids alone and skates over to ask him the fuck out.

“So, um, heeey Sid,” Kaner says. He leans against the boards and looks at Sid, who stares back, unblinking. He is so fucking creepy.

“Yes,” Sid says and moves closer so that he is all up in Kaner’s personal space, Malkin should talk to him about that.

“Yeah,” Kaner begins. He pauses and scratches the back of his head nervously, it takes all his will power and thoughts of Malkin beating his face in for him to continue. “You busy later?”

Sidney looks across the ice and Kaner follows his gaze to find Malkin watching them. Sid looks back at him and says, “No.”

“Okay, good. So I was wondering if you’d like to go out with me later possibly?”

“And do what?”

“I don’t know.”

“Then no.” Crosby turns to leave. Patrick glances over at Malkin, the big man frowns and starts to skate over.

“Wait,” Patrick says desperately and grabs Crosby’s shoulder, turning him back around so that they’re facing each other. “How about we maybe get dinner and, I don’t know, talk?”

“About what?”

“Hockey?”

That obviously pleases Crosby because he smiles and nods his approval. Who would have thought that Crosby would only agree to a date if hockey was somehow involved?

“Okay, so I’ll meet you out front the hotel at like nine?”

“Yeah,” Crosby says and skates away with a smile. Kaner looks over to Malkin for conformation that he done good and receives another nod of approval. This is going to be a fun night.

 

[][][]

 

Fuck Patrick’s life. He had gone out drinking with Johnny, Kaner needed to be at least a little buzzed to make it through a date with Sidney Crosby, and now he is ten fucking minutes late. And he’s going to be even later still because while out with Johnny, Kaner spilled booze all over himself. So now he is scrambling around his hotel room looking for clean clothes. Kaner pulls on a pair of jeans and one of those t-shirts that have a tuxedo printed on them, and before he leaves, Kaner makes sure to spray himself with a healthy dose of this totally awesome cologne he found, Crosby is not going to know what hit him. Kaner’s totally not into it, but he’s got a fucking reputation to uphold, meaning that this will be the best fucking date Sidney’s ever had. He looks at the clock on the bedside table, he really needs to hurry the fuck up.

He’s sprinting to the elevator when Kaner runs into a brick wall that he doesn’t remember being in the middle of the hall.

“You late, Patrick Kane!” The wall shouts. Ah fuck, this is totally what Kaner needs right now.

“I am so sorry Geno, I took longer getting ready than I was planning on.”

“You call this ready?! You in jeans and tacky t-shirt that look like something Ovechkin would wear. You not ready.”

Um, fuck that guy, Patrick’s shirt is fucking awesome.

“I’m sorry, but it's no use making me later, right?”

Malkin crosses his arms and gives Kaner a hard look. After what feels like fucking ever, he turns and heads down the hallway to the elevator.

“Come," he commands and Patrick scurries after him. Sharing the elevator ride with Malkin is fucking terrible. He doesn’t say anything, just stands there brooding and staring right into Patrick's eyes, like a fucking serial killer. The tension is killing Patrick, but he’s kind of afraid to say anything. Finally Malkin opens his mouth.

“Flowers.”

Patrick’s only a little confused.

“Yeah, what about them?” he says. Malkin glares at Patrick even harder. What's with all the fucking glaring? Isn’t this guy supposed to be really fucking nice? Why is he giving Kaner such a hard fucking time then?

“Get flower for Sid. Is nice gesture, make up for tardiness.”

Well, okay then. If Malkin thinks Patrick should get flowers for Sidney, then he’ll get flowers for Sidney, even though its so fucking gay in the worst way. When Pat thinks about it, he’s way gayer than he is straight, but he’s not gay enough to seriously get another guy flowers, its just so mushy and chic flicky. But what ever, Patrick’s not about to say that to Malkin, so instead he just says, “Cool.”

Down in the lobby, Malkin leads Kaner over to a small gift shop. He picks out a bouquet of roses and Kaner pays fifty fucking dollars for some stupid flowers, Crosby better fucking appreciate the sentiment. Malkin walks with him over to the front doors, he turns to Kaner and places his hand on the smaller man’s shoulders.

“I’ll be watching,” he says and pushes Patrick out the door and into the cold night air. Kaner shivers a bit and rubs his arms, he should have brought a jacket, but like hell is he going back inside to get one. He sees Crosby fidgeting over by a garbage can a little ways off and heads over.

“You’re late,” Sidney informs him, frowning. No shit Sherlock. He’s dressed in a suit and he’d look very business-like if he wasn’t doing this weird thing where he bends half way over and lifts his leg up at the same to scratch the outside of his calf, like every other second.

“Sorry,” Kaner says, but he’s so not sorry. “Um, for you.” He hands Crosby the flowers. Well, tries to at least. Crosby just kind of looks at them and frowns.

“You got me flowers.”

“Yeah, now take them.”

“Why would you get me flowers, I’m a man.” Kid’s got a point.

“Yeah, I didn’t think it was a good idea, but Malkin made me get them.”

“Oh, makes sense. Geno likes mushy stuff like that,” Crosby takes the bouquet from Kaner and drops it in the garbage can. “Let's go,” he says and turns to leave. Only a little annoyed that he just wasted fifty dollars on roses that promptly got thrown in the trash, Kaner hurries to catch up to Crosby, dude walks fast.

“Where are we going?”

Shit, Kaner should have planed for this.

“It's a surprise,” Kaner says, wracking his brains for places other than the Denny’s he had gone to this morning to bring Sidney.

“I don’t like surprises.”

“Really? I never would have guessed.”

“Yeah, never have.”

Does he really not know what sarcasm is?

 

[][][]

 

After being kicked out of the five fancy restaurants they had tried because of Kaner’s outfit not meeting some dress code bullshit, they wind up at a bowling alley.

“I don’t know if I really want to put on a pair of shoes that a million other strangers have had on,” Sidney says when they’re getting there shoes. “Don’t want a foot fungus.”

“Ew.” Kaner didn’t think about that.

“We disinfect the shoes,” the guy behind the counter says.

Thank God.

Crosby still makes a face, but takes the shoes. They walk over to their lane.

“Put your shoes on and I’ll go get food,” Kaner says and leaves. On his way over to the place where they sell food, Kaner runs into his favorite bully, that’s what Malkin is, he totally bullied Kaner into dating Crosby. Poor Kaner.

“This where you take Sidney on first date? Dirty bowling alley? Not good enough, not romantic.”

“No, Geno, I thought I would be best if we, um, took things slow? You know, no place too fancy for the first date. So Sid’ll be more comfortable?” Damn Kaner’s smart. Maybe that’s how he’s been able to stay alive all these years, his incredible ability to bullshit himself out of sticky situations.

“I not sure,” Geno begins and frowns. He looks over at Sidney inspecting bowling balls, “but okay.”

“Good,” Patrick says. “Now I’mma get us some food.”

Malkin leaves and and Kaner orders. He gets a pitcher of beer, french fries, hot wings, and carrot sticks because he’s guessing Crosby’s probably only eats crappy healthy stuff, like Johnny.

“Food, and before you say any thing, I got you some fucking carrots.”

Is it weird that they sell carrot sticks at a bowling alley?

Sidney nods and goes back to looking for a ball. He has like twenty lined up in that ball return holder thing. He picks up a lime green one and weighs it in his hand and then puts it back down. He picks up a blue one, weighs it, sticks a finger into one of the holes and then frowns in puts it back down. He picks up another fucking ball and does the same thing.

“Seriously dude?” Kaner asks.

“The ball has to be right.”

“But can you hurry up?”

“No.”

Kaner huffs and then begins inspecting the balls also, hoping to help speed up the process. After looking at a couple of balls, Kaner finds one he thinks Sidney will like. Its light, but still has a good weight to it. His fingers fit snug in the holes, but don't get stuck. And, its a nice magenta color. Kaner likes it. In fact, he might just keep the ball for himself, fuck Sidney.

“Let me see that ball,” Sidney says and grabs it. He’s inspecting it, and Kaner’s praying that he doesn’t like it. But asshole smiles and says, “this one.”

“Um, actually,” Kaner starts. Is it really worth it? Yes, yes it is. “I’m using that ball.”

Sidney frowns.

“Use a different ball.”

“No, I found it first.” Kaner’s so mature.

“But I need this one.”

“And so do I.”

After a brief staring match and slight tug-o-war over the ball, they end up sharing.

Crosby is really shitty at bowling and it kind of makes Kaner really happy. So far, in the seven frames that they have played, Sidney has knocked over like five pins. Kaner’s gotten six strikes and a spare. He’s a beast at bowling and is well aware that this totally pisses Crosby off.

“Bowling’s stupid,” Sidney huffs and sits down, arms folded pouting.

“Dude, quit whining,” Kaner replies. “You’re just mad because you’re losing.”

“No I’m not. There’s no reason to get mad about bowling, its stupid, only hockey matters and I’m better than you at that.”

Did that fucker really just say that? He’s good, but he is no Patrick Kane. Patrick Kane is a fucking hockey God, okay, and Crosby needs to shut the fuck up before he gets smacked.

“Um, no. Between the two of us, I am the superior hockey player, get it right.”

“Then why do I have a better record than you?”

“I will fight you.”

“Please, you are probably the only hockey player worse than me at fighting."

“Fuck you, I‘m a manly man and you are a delicate flower who doesn’t know what the fuck he’s talking about and - oh my God, his face...”

Crosby turns to see what Kaner’s pointing at. A couple lanes down from them, a man with a horrible face tattoo is bowling. Its a wolf’s head, howling at the moon, and after the initial shock has worn off, Kaner’s kind of down.

“Why would someone do something like that?” Sidney gasps in horror.

“I actually kind of like it,” Kaner says with a shrug.

“You like that?!”

“Yeah, it kind of grows on you.”

“Face tattoos are horrible.”

“What, you would never get one? You wouldn’t want ‘Hockey’ tattooed across your forehead or a picture of Lemieux’s face tattooed over your face?”

Sidney touches his face unconsciously and looks like he’s ready to cry at the thought of it.

“One year, during playoffs,” he starts. “The guys decided to mess with me. Jordy told me that the guys didn’t want to do the beards any more, they wanted to do something new and I said okay, thinking they couldn't come up with something that bad. I was wrong. The next day, I get to the locker room before everyone else for practice and I’m getting ready when they all come in. On all their faces are tattoos! Jordy has a dragon, Geno something in Russian, and Tanger a cat. Then Geno tells me that I have to get one also! I had never been so scared in my life.”

Sidney stops talking and picks up one of the carrot sticks Patrick had gotten him. He munches on it, looks back at the man, and ignores Kaner's cackling.

“Really? Nothing scares you more than the thought of getting a face tattoo?”

Sidney shrugs, “Sometimes Ovechkin, he used to write me letters like every day.”

“Wow, somehow I'm not surprised. Are you done bowling?”

“Yeah.”

The return their shoes and leave. Kaner looks at his watch, its 10:45. He’s kind of afraid of taking Sid back to the hotel too early and getting yelled at by Malkin, so he decides to take a short detour through a park.

“Where are we going?” Sidney asks. He had taken the carrot sticks with him and is still eating them.

“Hotel, just taking a more scenic route. You really like those carrots, don’t you?”

“Yeah, they’re my favorite food. When I was younger I ate them so much I started to turn yellow, and then my mom made me stop. That was a pretty shitty time in my life.”

“Cool story Sid, tell it at parties.”

“I do.”

Patrick looks at him sideways, not sure if Crosby’s serious or not.

“Are you fucking with me?”

“Maybe,” Sid says and tosses a carrot at him.

“Hey.”

“Stop whining,” Sidney says and picks up the carrot he had thrown.

“You’re not going to eat that, are you?”

“Ew, no, I’m throwing it away.”

Crosby walks over to a garbage can and tosses it in, confirming he's not gross.

“Okay good.”

They continue on their way back to the hotel. Kaner walks a bit closer to Sidney, not because he wants to be close to him or anything, its just really fucking cold out and he didn’t bring a jacket. Sidney gives him a look and elbows Kaner away.

“Stop it,” he whines.

“I’m cold.”

“That doesn’t mean you should be rubbing on me.”

“I’m barely touching you!”

“Still too close.”

“You’re really mean. I take you out on an amazing date and you’re going to let me freeze to death? I don’t think Geno would approve. He would say ‘is romantic Sid, do it,’ or something like that.”

Sidney shrugs.

“I still don’t like you touching me,” he says and looks up at the sky.

Patrick frowns and looks up also.

“Ooh, full moon,” he says, a bit exited.

“There’s no such thing as werewolves,” Sid says and frowns some more.

“No shit, Sherlock,” Kaner returns with a huff and gives Crosby a tiny glare. Buzz kill.

They finish their walk to the hotel in silence, Kaner keeping at a more Crosby approved distance. Kaner feels a bit of relief as they step into the lobby. He did it. Patrick mother fucking Kane made it through a date with Sidney Crosby alive. He can truly do anything.

They enter the elevator and wait the fifteen minutes it takes to get to Crosby's floor. Before getting off, Sid turns to Patrick.

“Good job,” he says and gives Kaner a pat on the shoulder like he had just made a good play.

“Well okay then,” Patrick says and the elevator doors close.

He gets back to his room and flops down on his bed.

“How’d it go?” Johnny asks while doing his evening push ups.

“Fine,” Patrick says and kicks off his shoes.

Johnny nods and switches to doing crunches.

And that was that.


End file.
